The Situation
However you found out — she told you, you saw something, or you finally asked the question you'd been avoiding — the floor is gone. The same three thoughts keep cycling: end it right now, demand every detail, or act like it's survivable and hope the feeling passes. Everyone who hears about it has an instant answer, usually "leave," and none of them have to live inside your relationship afterwards.
The first thing worth knowing is that you do not have to decide today, and that almost every bad outcome here comes from deciding while the shock is still running the show. The second is that the detail-hunt is a trap: the specifics you extract at 2am don't produce closure, they produce images you'll carry for years, and no quantity of them will ever answer the only question that matters — whether she is someone you can build on now that you know she was capable of this. The real fork isn't "forgive or leave." It's whether she is doing the work of rebuilding or the work of managing you. Those look similar for about two weeks and then diverge completely: genuine remorse volunteers information before you find it, accepts consequences without negotiating them down, and tolerates your bad days months later without calling them unfair. Damage control apologises fast, asks how long you're going to keep bringing it up, and quietly makes the whole thing your problem to get over. Trust can be rebuilt — that part is true — but only slowly, only on evidence, and only if the person who broke it is the one carrying the weight of it.
Don't make a permanent decision inside the first week. Shock is not clarity, and neither is rage. Tell her you need time before you say anything you can't take back, then actually take it — a few days where you're not litigating it every night. The decision you make once you can breathe is the one you'll still respect in a year.
Watch what she does when it's inconvenient for her, not what she says while she's scared of losing you. Real accountability looks like her telling you things before you have to find them, and not putting a clock on your recovery. If you're the one managing her guilt, comforting her about what she did, or being told you're bringing it up too much — that's not repair, that's you doing both jobs.
Be honest about why you'd stay. Relief that she's still here is not the same as wanting her, and fear of starting over is not a reason. If you stay, stay because you looked at the whole thing clearly and still chose it — not because leaving felt like more work. And if you forgive her out loud while resenting her in private, you've given up the relationship and your self-respect at the same time.
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